why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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