Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
