Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
