Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
