i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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