Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
