I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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