ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
