John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
