I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
