i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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