I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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