I could make wine with my vomit
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
