Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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