Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
