Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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