Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
