it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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