Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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