I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
