i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
