And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
