it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
farters have to be the big spoon...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
