I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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