I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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