my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
