i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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