Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
