I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
