She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
