I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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