In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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