Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
