My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
