if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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