I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
