dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
