bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
