you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
