Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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