So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
