hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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