Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
