You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
