There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I am naked and annoyed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
