and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
