all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
