My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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