Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
