No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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