I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
