You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
