I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
