I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
