Sry I called you an 8
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
