So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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