Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
