your parents love me but you hate me
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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