Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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