turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
