Me. At least after what I've been through.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
