tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
